


AWAKE

by saturnvern



Series: You'll be okay. [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Chwe Hansol | Vernon-centric, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Hip Hop unit, Implied Self-Hatred, Loss of Energy, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Polyamory, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 12:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17407364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturnvern/pseuds/saturnvern
Summary: His eyes slipped close and the corners of his mouth slowly fell downwards. Melting. Melting and sliding off his face. Melting, melting, melting. He wondered if he could melt into the mattress and covers of his bed too.alternatively - hansol finds it really really hard to wake up that morning and even though he doesn't want to admit it, he needs his hyungs to help and take care of him





	AWAKE

Hansol’s been waking up and feeling like shit. It’s been going on for while now. He thought he would stop feeling so  _ down  _ all the time and wake up  _ normal  _ but it seems like it doesn’t want to go away soon. 

 

This morning, he felt especially bad. Hansol had made it a habit to check each morning- whether or not he wakes up feeling low that day or not. Today, he felt like he could barely lift his hand to silence the alarm. 

 

“Hansol-ah” Mingyu groaned from the other side of the room. “Turn your alarm off.” 

 

Hansol wanted to say “Hyung I  _ can’t”,  _ but he felt stupid about it. So he used all his might and switched it off silently. 

 

“Urgh thank god.” Mingyu said. “It rang for so long I thought my brain was going to explode.” He joked, rolling around his bed. 

 

Hansol hummed. His mind was blank, heavy, disorientated. What could he possibly respond with? 

 

A few minutes go by and Mingyu gets up and trudges to the bathroom, yawning loudly. He leaves Hansol laying in bed by himself. 

 

He’s usually a quick waker, able to jump out of bed straight when the alarm rings. But somehow, mornings just became slower and he became heavier. Like the muscles in his legs didn’t work properly or his fingers refused to move easily. 

 

Time passed. There were no minutes or seconds for Hansol, only the bruising weight on his chest was all that he bothered to notice. 

 

His roommate came stomping back in, ruffling his hair in a towel. “You’re still not up?” 

 

Hansol could only blink. He didn’t,  _ couldn’t _ find the energy in him to move.

 

“You didn’t fall back asleep did you?” 

 

Now he felt guilty. They were supposed to be practicing the dance to their new song but there he was, lying in his bed, resting. He couldn’t even find it in himself to reply.

 

Mingyu shrugged, and turned to go about his own business. He turned on the hairdryer and a rush of noise filled Hansol’s ears. The silence that buzzed around his head was getting boring anyway. 

 

His eyes slipped close and the corners of his mouth slowly fell downwards. Melting. Melting and sliding off his face. Melting, melting, melting. He wondered if he could melt into the mattress and covers of his bed too. 

 

“Sollie?” Mingyu’s voice was loud. Was he closer? 

 

Hansol tilted his head towards the sound. 

 

“Sollie, are you ok?” Concern wrapped around Hansol. “Sollie, you look really down. Are you sick? Should I text Seungcheol?” 

 

He gave a tiny nod. Seungcheol would know what to do. Seungcheol’s smart and Hansol loves Seungcheol. Seungcheol can fix him. Seungcheol can cheer him up. 

 

Mingyu’s fingers tapped against his phone. Hansol’s phone buzzed with a notification.

 

Mingyu lent onto Hansol’s bed, stroking his messy, bed-ridden hair. It was kind of oily and greasy but and Hansol wanted to tell Mingyu he didn’t have to because he knew it was gross but Mingyu didn’t stop. 

 

“I sent it to the group chat.” Mingyu explained. Hansol felt a spike of panic. “Our group chat.” Clarifying. Calming. 

 

Hansol wanted to cry, his eyes tearing up. Why is he being like this? Why is it so hard to get out of bed? 

 

“Baby,” Mingyu cooed. “Don’t cry. It’s not your fault.” 

 

Hansol managed to speak. “Yes it is.” His voice cracked. “Why am I like this?” 

 

Mingyu gently wiped the tears down Hansol’s face. “It’s ok.” He reassured him. “It’s ok Hansollie.” 

 

Hansol whimpered. His heart felt heavy, everything seemed to weigh him down. 

 

The door opened. “What’s happening?” 

 

It wasn’t Seungcheol. Hansol glanced up. It was Wonwoo.

 

Wonwoo came over to squat next to Mingyu, frowning at the state Hansol was in. It made him feel embarrassed. 

 

“Where’s Seungcheol?” Asked Mingyu. 

 

“He’s in the shower.” Wonwoo said. 

 

Hansol looked between them. “I’m sorry.” Hansol whispered. “I just feel so  _ bad _ .” 

 

Wonwoo reached over and grasped Hansol’s hand, entwining their fingers together. 

 

“Do you think you can take a deep breath for me?” Wonwoo asked. 

 

Hansol tried. He really really did. 

 

“How about trying to take a deeper breath?” 

 

That took more energy. But he tried to do what Wonwoo said anyway. He felt lighter. 

 

“Is that better?” 

 

He nodded. 

 

“Do you think you can get up for me?” 

 

“Yeah.” Hansol croaked, lifting himself up. He didn’t really want to but Wonwoo was being so patient and kind and Hansol felt like crying again.

 

He sat on his bed, cover pooled around his legs. He looked down; he didn’t want to see his hyungs sad faces. He didn’t want to be pitied. 

 

He rubbed his eyes and cheeks roughly. He doesn’t want to be seen. He wanted to erase everything away. Goodbye. 

 

“Woah woah woah.” Mingyu grabbed his hands and pulled them from away his face. “That’s not good for your eyes.” 

 

Hansol sighed, defeated. “I’m sorry.” He said again. 

 

Wonwoo stayed silent. 

 

Mingyu comforted him. Scratching his fingers against his scalp, coming away hair that blocked his face. Hansol kind of wishes he didn’t. He wished he had a curtain to hide away. 

 

“Hansol-ah.” Wonwoo said. “How do you feel?” 

 

Hansol fidgeted. He didn’t want them to worry. 

 

“I think I’m just tired.” He lied. “That’s probably why it was so hard to get out of bed.” 

 

“You practice so hard Hansol.” Mingyu praised. 

 

Usually praise would make Hansol feel warm and bubbly, but all he felt was black, dark guilt, furling and unfurling around his heart. 

 

He bit the inside of his cheek in response. 

 

“You’re not good at lying Nonie.” Wonwoo said, but not cruelly. 

 

“I’m not-“ Hansol tried to protest. He didn’t want to get caught. Nobody should be burdened by Hansol. Thankfully, he was interrupted by Seungcheol bursting through the door.

 

The leader scanned the room quickly and read the situation right away. 

 

“Hi Sollie~” Seungcheol said. “You’re not feeling so good today?” 

 

“I’m just tired.” He replied, cheeks heating up. “It’s nothing.” 

 

Seungcheol looked at Wonwoo. Wonwoo shook his head. 

 

Mingyu started to speak. “Let’s go brush our teeth Hansol. I didn’t brush mine yet.” 

 

Hansol nodded. It took awhile for him to properly get out of bed. He sighed and shuffled his way to the bathroom, holding onto Mingyu’s hand. 

 

As soon as the pair had shut the door behind them, Seungcheol turned to Wonwoo. 

 

“He’s lying isn’t he?”

 

“Yeah.” Wonwoo confirmed. “I don’t know what to do.” 

 

“Me neither.” Seungcheol sighed, running his hand through his damp hair. He was stressed. 

 

“I’m worried about him.” Wonwoo admitted. He continued talking. “Mingyu told me about this before. It’s not the first time Hansol’s has trouble getting out of bed.” 

 

“He hasn’t been eating well either.” Seungcheol reminded Wonwoo. “Last night he left halfway through dinner, I don’t even remember if he ate. And remember at the restaurant? He had a panic attack.” 

 

Wonwoo nodded. “Maybe it’s anxiety that’s stopping him from getting up?” He suggested. 

 

“I don’t think so.” Seungcheol thought about it. “Nothing that’s going to happen today should cause anxiety. We’re supposed to be practicing together, no one has individual schedules.” 

 

Wonwoo was glad Seungcheol knew all this. But something else came into his mind. 

 

“Maybe he’s depressed.” 

 

He said it like a statement rather than a question. 

 

“Maybe.” Seungcheol agreed half-heartedly. He doesn’t want to believe it. “I don’t know... I don’t care if he’s depressed or not. I just want to know how to make him feel better.” 

 

They were helpless to Hansol. It rang clear in the air. 

 

“Sometimes you can’t.” Wonwoo told him. “Sometimes nothing can really flick the switch off and turn him back to normal” Wonwoo hesitated. “I know what it feels like.” 

 

“You do?” 

 

“When I was a trainee.” He replied. “My eomma brought me to a psychologist because she got worried. They said that it was too soon to properly diagnose me but a week passed and I felt better again. They said it was just an episode.” 

 

“Episode?” 

 

“Like, depressive symptoms for a few days.” Wonwoo explained. “I researched about it and you’re only diagnosed with the disorder after two weeks.” 

 

Seungcheol was impressed by Wonwoo’s extensive knowledge. Saddened, but impressed. “Do you think it’s been two weeks?”

 

“What happened at the restaurant was a week ago. But he hasn’t been eating well at dinners before that. And we don’t all eat together everyday, so he could’ve been skipping meals without us noticing.” Wonwoo deducted. 

 

“And Mingyu says that he’s having trouble getting out of bed as well.” Seungcheol reminded him.

 

Wonwoo hummed. 

 

Seungcheol felt a sharp pain in his chest. “Why is this happening to him?” 

 

Closing his eyes, Wonwoo said, “I don’t know.” He looked up at Seungcheol. “I wish I did.” 

 

“Don’t blame yourself.” Seungcheol demanded. 

 

“Why are we talking about this now?” Wonwoo felt distressed. “Why couldn’t we have noticed all of this sooner. I should have brought it up the minute I felt like something was wrong.” 

 

Seungcheol cradled Wonwoo in his arms. “Hey don’t do this to yourself.” He rubbed Wonwoo’s back. “It’s nobody’s fault. How could we possibly know? It might not even be anything. We don’t know until we see a professional.” 

 

“Then we should have brought him to see one sooner.” 

 

“We can’t control these types of things sometimes.” Seungcheol replied rationally. “We can’t blame ourselves, we can only try to help Hansol now. He doesn’t seem to know himself.” A beat passed. “And you know him, he never wants to come to anyone for help.”

 

Wonwoo sighed. Defeated. “You’re right.” 

 

“Try not to blame yourself.” 

 

“I’ll try.” 

 

Seungcheol hugs him again. “Come to me if you need help ok?” 

 

Wonwoo nodded. “But who’ll you go to when  _ you _ need help?” 

 

“Don’t think too much about me Wonwoo-ah. I’ll be ok.” 

 

“Ok.” Wonwoo replied.

 

Together, they tidied up Hansol’s bed. They were already late for practice. They brought out Hansol’s multicoloured tie-dye top, one that they all loathed but if it made Hansol happy, they would endure the eye-pain it causes. 

 

Mingyu and Hansol strolled back in. They were still holding hands. Mingyu was chattering at Hansol, telling him about his dream in the most animated way possible. He swung their hands together. Hansol’s mouth twitched into a smile. Then he frowned. 

 

“You guys made my bed?” He asked. 

 

Seungcheol shrugged. “We had some time so we thought we would help you guys tidy up.” 

 

“Thanks hyungs!” Mingyu replied happily. He tried not to let Seungcheol and Wonwoo’s serious faces discourage his happy attitude. He needed to stay happy for Hansol.

 

“Hyung…” Hansol whined. “You don’t need to burden yourself with my chores.” 

 

“It’s ok Hansol-ah.” Wonwoo said. “Both of you live so messy I had to clean up. You know how I hate messes.” 

 

“They even threw all our chocolate wrappers in the bin for us!” Mingyu exclaimed. 

 

Hansol bit his lip. If he weren’t so  _ depressed _ he would have kept clean. 

 

“Get dressed Nonie.” Seungcheol said. “Practicing might take your mind off whatever you’re worried about. 

 

_ No it won’t.  _

 

Hansol hummed. Maybe. Hopefully. “Yeah.” He said hesitantly .

 

_ No, it won’t.  _

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!! thanks for reading!!! 
> 
> hansols waking up process is based off of how i sometimes feel with my own depression (most of the stories here are gonna be rly self-indulgent but idm writing about other peoples experiences with depression/anxiety just comment or dm) 
> 
> (also dw im already seeked out professional help and doing treatment :))
> 
> please feel free to leave kudos and comments


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